WHAT IS ENMESHMENT?
“Enmeshment” refers to emotional fusion and blurred boundaries within relationships, often in families or close connections. In simple terms, it means that individuals involved in an enmeshed relationship may have difficulty distinguishing their own thoughts, feelings, and identities from those of others. This can lead to a lack of personal autonomy and an unclear sense of self.
You lose yourself in the relationship. You’re no longer an individual, a unique self, you have no more identity of your own - you have merged with the other person. A symbiote.
It starts with good intentions, trying to be more supportive of your partner, parent, or friend, by being understanding, by always taking their side - in essence, trying to be “more loving”. Even when they’re intentionally harmful to others, themselves, and you. You try to be good to them.
But when it comes at the cost of your identity, your mental well-being, your self esteem, and other healthy relationships, it’s no longer love.
NARCISSISM & NICE GUYS
Enmeshment leads to slavery and abuse. At the hands of a Narcissist, it becomes a form of control, manipulation, exploitation, and ammo for future gaslighting.
It looks like:
constantly seeking approval
acquiescing to the other’s every desire in order to appear as a “good partner”
always agreeing and backing them up, no matter what (even if it’s clearly wrong)
an inability to function independently, make decisions, or formulate opinions on one’s own
being forbidden from disagreeing or being punished for disagreeing
doing whatever it takes to stay on their good side
Obedience. Sucking up. Being a simp.
It’s trying to overcompensate, stemming from a sense of deficiency, a lack of self esteem, and a weak sense of identity. It’s also called a lack of boundaries.
“Nice guys” have a really tough time with this, even more so these days with all the mixed messaging in modern media confusing healthy masculinity with misogyny. “Nice guys” are the perfect candidates for enslavement by Narcissists.
The relationship turns into co-dependency. This is an especially toxic dynamic where the co-dependent person enables the narcissistic behavior, while the narcissistic person seeks constant validation and control.
PREVENTION AND RECOVERY
Avoiding the trap of enmeshment takes deliberate personal action and, for a healthy relationship, teamwork.
It requires both parties to be respectful of each other’s individuality and to appreciate each other’s opinions, instead of demanding the other person to be their “Yes”man.
The practices and skills one needs to prevent enmeshment include:
Self awareness
Boundary setting
Effective communication
Emotional regulation
Personal autonomy
Healthy support networks
As you can probably tell, these are the skills to build for any healthy interpersonal relationship.
Enmeshment is a major reason why leaving unhealthy relationships, whether romantic, family, or even work, can feel so conflicting internally. And if you’ve already taken the bold move to exit the relationship, you feel so lost and your thoughts keep pulling you back towards them. No matter how many terrible things they did to you, you feel like you just can’t live without them. Like you don’t know who you are anymore. Because you don’t.
That’s even more reason to reinvent yourself. This is the first step towards a growth mindset.
Desire to change.
Start now.
Stop the Fantasy.
Start living in reality.
Start living for yourself.
You need to know your worth. You are worthy of healthy love.
First learn to love yourself.